A Wistfulness For Colorful Language

I’ve always appreciated a colorful turn of phrase.  People used to use language differently, and there were regional differences in expression.  Things have changed.  We’ve all been televisionized, to coin a word that no doubt will be promptly forgotten.  Most people speak in either superlatives, exaggerations, or they speak in neutral - excuse me - neutered, carefully chosen language.  We must not offend anyone.  This occurred to me this afternoon as I sent out an e-mail correcting organizational information I’d previous sent with a mistake, and using the phrase, “Some days you got it...”  Perhaps I should have finished it.  Some of the younger people may not be aware of the phrase, as obvious as it ought to be.
My father loved to play with language, and often repeated phrases he heard in his youth, just for laughs.  My mother used a phrase she heard in her childhood, that something would be done, “God willing and the creek don’t rise.”  I’d always assumed that referred to the Roundout Creek she lived across from while growing up, and that it was a local phrase, especially after I heard a Judge I worked with use it.  Actually, I was informed recently that the “creek” should have been “Creek”.  Benjamin Hawkins, an American statesman and U.S. Indian agent was ordered to return to Washington, D.C. by President James Madison, and he replied, “God willing and the Creek (Indians) don’t rise.”  Ya gotta love it.
The aforementioned Judge used a number of other colorful phrases.  One of the favorites was, speaking to a young lawyer, “Son, I’ve spent more time in the courthouse crapper than you’ve been a lawyer.”  Know why it’s called a crapper?  Bet you don’t.  Thomas Crapper (1836-1910), a British plumber, improved the functionality of the early flush toilet or “water closet”.
The history of language is enjoyable.  So is expressive language.  If you know any good turns of phrase, use ‘em.  Spread them around.  Don’t worry about being different.  Worry about being BORING!  Have some fun!

Digital Isn't Always Better

          Well, it’s official.  I’m an old fogy.  It isn’t even a function of years; it’s a function of outlook.  I know someone about twenty years my junior who is an older fogy - he doesn’t do e-mail.  It’s attitude toward the digital age.
It used to be if you wanted to comment on something in your newspaper, you wrote a letter.  The “Speak Up” feature, you called a phone number, and said yes or no, and left a comment.  That phone number doesn’t exist any more.  Things have changed.  I went to call that number, and instead of spending 30 seconds making my comment, I spent five minutes finding the place to vote on my computer, and voting - no comments permitted.  That was most of the fun of voting - you got to make a one-sentence remark that may make the paper.  Who cares if I’m one of three thousand people voting?
Although I’ve used a computer for work for 27 years, and been online for most of the last twenty years (it really was not such a much for the first five), there are certain things I find are still done better the old-fashioned way.  However, one by one it’s becoming impossible to do things any other way.  Why?  Not because it’s better or more effective.  The real reason is because IT’S CHEAPER FOR THE BUSINESSES!  I’ll say that again.  IT’S CHEAPER FOR THE BUSINESSES!
Now I’ve said it, I feel better.  It’s one thing to e-mail a letter to the editor.  And I know young people would rather read the news on their Tablet computer.  I still like to read my newspaper cover to cover.  Looking for something that may not be there, or jumping from link to link isn’t reading the paper.  You miss a lot more that way.  There may be more news online, but good luck finding it.  And if you see a banner headline you want to read after you’re finished with what you’re reading, good luck getting back to that page.  And pop-up ads are a lot harder to ignore than print.  And if I want a product in a print ad, I can refer to it any time I want to - just try finding that ad again online.  And I don’t want to bring my laptop to the table.  It gets in the way, and is at risk anywhere near a beverage.
I like to call companies to make complaints or get service, and actually talk to a human being (assuming that person actually understands English).  Many companies make that impossible today.  They want an e-mail they can ignore, or online chat that doesn’t work half the time, and when it does work, you often get the feeling the guy you’re connected to is multitasking - taking five online calls at once.
I also don’t buy many things online.  My shape is a lot different from a model’s, so I like to try clothing on to see how it’s cut, and read the label for washing instructions before I buy it.  For some non-clothing items I like to actually ask the salesperson questions - not that most salespersons can answer them these days, but that’s for another column.  Also, when you buy from a store you can actually bring the item right home to use, and you’re supporting local employment.  The job you save may be your child’s.
The digital age is useful for finding specific things, at times, and I don’t really want to go backwards, but forgive me if I have some nostalgia for a time when you dealt with people to get things done, and following the news was done somewhat at leisure, and wasn’t all peek-a-boo and pop-ups.

The "Joys" of Volunteering

I don’t mean to toot my own horn, but I am involved in numerous organizations, and have been for a lot of years.  After you’ve been doing this for a while, you get “pegged” as someone who does something in particular well.  I do paperwork well.  In fact, as a court reporter for 35 years, it is assumed I am the best man to be Secretary of whatever organization it is.  In some organizations this also means filing financial forms.  While I do my own taxes, I hate financial forms.  And doing them for organizations is a nightmare, at least until you’ve been in charge of the figures yourself for a couple years.
In one organization I found the previous Secretary was paperwork challenged.  He took minutes, but did nothing else right, and did it with a flair.  It took six months to find his last mistake, and he was Secretary for a year.  In only one organization did I take over a “going concern”.  This year I took over the books of another organization, and was given a check to establish a new bank account where I live, and found three different financial reports with three different balances.  One matches the bank statement for end of last year, one matches a handwritten statement, and one matches exactly nothing.  I asked for the latest statement, and I hope it matches something.  Otherwise, I have to fudge the figures for the annual report at the end of the year.  Fudging figures for forms is a high art that I’ve become quite proficient at.  But I don’t like it.
Last year I took over a Secretary’s job from a man who didn’t even keep minutes.  I found that we were carrying members that were dead as long as six years.  I spent a month or so searching online for obituaries.  He never filed a form, nor did he or the Treasurer ever give a financial report to anyone.  So this year I had to file an IRS form and found that the new Treasurer, who can actually balance a checkbook, had been given a different Tax ID number that the parent organization had for us.  Tonight we’ll check with someone else in the organization to see what Tax ID number he has in his records.  I think it’s a third number.  The one from our parent organization is the correct one.  It’s a mystery.
The problem is there aren’t a lot of people who are willing to take on jobs in volunteer organizations these days.  The result is you get one of two kinds of people taking on these jobs:  The first is the easygoing Joe who says, “All right.  I’ll help you out.”  But who has no idea how to do the job.  Hence, you get records that make no sense, or are nonexistent.  The other one is the busiest man in town - that’s how you get a job done.  When he reaches the limit of what he can get done, he gets burned out, and the figures get farblundget.  If you don’t know what that means, google it.  It means what it sounds like.  I’m beginning to resemble that remark.
A warning to organizations: Be careful who you elect, and if a fellow says he’s too busy, believe him!